Mr. Tom Flannery

Dear Me,

Since my last livejournal post I was awarded a new position. But enough about me, lets talk about you. I hear you got a new job. How's that working out for you? It's tiring? That's very interesting. Who would have thought that unloading an average of 10 pallets of beer a day would be a strain on you? Weird. And you also work about 10 hours a day? I guess you're making up for all that time you spent unemployed. Haha, yeah. I know. That joke never gets old.

My new job is tiring and lonely. I spend my days at grocery stores in the orlando area putting beer on shelves. Glamorous? Not really, but the opportunities for advancement are in my favor due to the knowledge of beer. But like I mentioned before, my job is lonely. I work alone. I have a lot of time to gather my thoughts. Tom and I have never been more close. But I've found that I talk to myself more than I ever did in the past. Not like a crazy guy in the subway, but thoughts I would normally keep in my head are mumbled out loud for anyone to hear. It's like I'm talking to an imaginary coworker. For example, on Saturday morning when I go into a Publix, the beer aisle is a mess. Instead of just rolling my eyes and going to the back, I look at the cooler with disdain and utter something like "Jesus Christ, what a mess." Or if someone ugly or annoying walks by me I will say something that refers to them. I would have never done something like this in the past. In previous work experience I was so used to working with other people and saying what was on my mind. Now that I am alone, I guess my mouth still wants to be heard.

I go into some tough neighborhoods. I carry a box cutting knife



around with me to cut the plastic wrap off of the pallets. I've tried to think of ways to use it as a weapon for self defense. So far, no ideas come to mind. Unless my attacker hasn't been circumcised, I'm screwed.


Yours,
Me

I haven't written my thoughts, dreams, hopes or asspirations in my livejournal in a while. Previously, I was hoping to get the job I interviewed for. Unfortunately, I did, and now I am currently unemployed. Call it dumb luck, call it karma, but now I am once again searching for a way to put food on the table. It's been about a month and a half. Having a sugar mama isn't all it's cracked up to be. I prefer earning money. I've become a lot more domestic in my current state. I vacuum, I clean, I separate the darks from the lights and bleach my whites. It hasn't helped my job search, but it has made me more well rounded. At night I sometimes feel itchy in the Taint region. At first I thought it was a rash, now I'm starting to think it may be the beginnings of a mangina growth.

Why is it that women who are recently engaged ALWAYS have to get their fucking ring into every photo? whether it's a picture of just the hand and the ring or it's a picture of the newly engaged couple together, the ring is in there somewhere. I only mention this because more and more people I know are taking the first step in the getting hitched process. For a woman the ring is a symbol of a comitment to a lifetime together. To a guy, the ring is a very expensive, last ditch effort to finally get that anal sex he's been begging for for months. That's right, it's a ploy to get you to give up your anal virginity.

I had a job interview yesterday, January 10th, that I really hope works out for me. I've been shit on for too long. It's finally time some good happened for poor Tom. And 2007 is the year it will happen. This beer thing is getting old. And that's all i'll say about that. If I elaborate, I will most definately be fired.

In my blog I promised a list of things I do when I am bored on a weekday. Truth is, that blog was just an engagement ring to your psyche, begging you to give up your time (aka ass), to read my live jouranal which is my first (written) love. did i just blow your mind? no? oh well. i guess i'll have to write that list then. assholes.

1. count the flakes of snow in my snowglobe
2. stare at my keyboard willing my mind to start typing
3. Think about how much better my life would be if there was a Ghostbusters 3
4. masturbate
5. wish i had a twinkee
6. look up pornography pics and vids...for research puropses. seriously, my hand and penis are writing a research paper on the exploitation of women in the porn intustry. and if you don't believe that, it was for masturbation purposes.
7. Watch a documentary about Hitler on the History Channel, because you only get a chance to do that 23 hours in a day.
8. Look at your myspace profile a little too long.
9. Does anyone even read this anymore?
10. People used to look forward to reading my musings. what happened?
11. I know I don't update it as regularly as I would like, but cut me some goddamn slack.
12. take out the laces of all my shoes, then put them back the same way they were before
13. Spend 5 minutes thinking of the perfect lie about what i've been doing all day for #14
14. Look in a mirror and tell myself how awesomely-big-penised i am.
15. That's it

I've been staring at my computer screen for the past 5 minutes thinking of something to write about. At this moment, nothing really comes to mind.

New Jersey is on the verge of legalizing gay marriage. I think that is a wonderful idea because New Jersey has the reputation of being such a dirty, disgusting cespool. We all know that when homosexuals move into a neighborhood, the property values go up. They really queer up the place. Imagine what they could do to an entire STATE!! That's just what "the armpit of america" needs. A fem-male's touch. Don't worry New Jersey, they're not going to shove it in the first chance they get. They understand you're new at this. They'll massage the outside a little, then work a couple of lubed up fingers in there. Before you know it, you'll be taking in the meatiest of men. New Jersey is going to be the most fabulous state in the union. Ass-less leather chaps and handlebar moustaches as far as the eye can see. It will be glorious. There will be a governor and a first Gay-dy and more bath houses than Starbucks'. Just remember New Jersey, always practice safe buttsex. They don't call Philadelphia the city of brotherly love for nothing.

Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Philippe split up. That would be really sad if I cared. Why is it that no one is surprised when a celebrity couple splits up? I hope there are no People internet polls about my relationship.
Are Sandra and Tom a good match? 0% say YES, 0% say NO, 100% say WHO THE HELL ARE SANDRA AND TOM?

Does anyone ever read this anymore?

Dear Me,

Today is my day off. I hate that I have them in the middle of the week. If I need a weekend off, I have to request it a month in advance. In the beginning of my job search I told myself that I wouldn't settle for the first thing that came (hehe, came) my way. Unfortunately, I am 0 for however many jobs I have applied for. At this point I'll take (almost) anything I can get. So many of the jobs online are complete bullshit. It's like a big scam. Hire me.

That paragraph wasn't funny Tom.

On my week-days off I have a lot of time to daydream and think. Mostly because there isn't anything else to do. For example, while I was going poo earlier, I noticed that I was in and out of the bathroom in no time. In the past, I would sit on the shitter for hours contemplating life's mysteries. Now, I'm shitting, wiping, and washing quicker than a professional hitman. What's up with that? Do I not like the smell? Has shitting lost its luster? I hope not. At least I feel comfortable enough to shit in a bathroom close to my lovely girlfriend. I still worry that she will hear the noises or smell the scents wafting from under the door and judge me for my hideous BM's. But she wouldn't do that. Everyone poops.

I don't wear cologne because I would get sick of the scent in a week. I'm glad Sandra prefers my natural man stink. Whenever I walk by certain dudes, we'll stereotype them too, like college pretty dudes I am overwhelemed by the odor of Axe body Spray and date rape. I don't want to smell sleazy.

The past seven plus months have been the happiest of my life thanks to Sandra Rose. And from the looks of it, that will continue for a very long time. And if she is the fertile soil I will plant my seed in, some oragami rules will need to be folded. Does that make sense? I was trying to make something clever up, but when I re-read it it just sounds stupid. You know how some people say "we need to lay some ground rules?" I was trying to do something similar. Although it's stupid, I will leave it to show I attempt clever things. Where was I? Oh yes, rules. For example, no getting fat during pregnancy, or that she never wear mom jeans...ever. That is grounds for seperation. And manditory sexual relations. That one I don't think she would mind. More rules to come when I think of them.

XOXO,
Me

I have a busy weekend ahead of me. On Friday I am going to watch Sandra's sister take part in her homecoming parade. Afterward, I will take my girlfriend to the backseat of one of our automobiles and feel her up. Before hand, I'll take my retainer out and put it in a cup of water and make sure I pop a lot of my pimples. I hope she wears a bra that's impossible to take off so I fumble around with that too. My hands are going to test the boundaries. You don't know what you can touch till you try. BAAAA-ZING! If I am going to a high school, I'm going to take it back to high school if you get my drift. Except this time the heavy petting will lead to carnal relations. If I don't get major boobage I will be pissed. On Saturday I will be seeing Say Anything at the House of Blues, and on Sunday I am attending the Food and Wine Festival at Epcot. I am most excited about making out. Obviously.

While I was on facebook earlier in the week I was looking at my friend Steph's profile and, unfortunately, saw a picture of the harlot I used to date. Seeing her made me sick to my stomach. How was i with that for so long? But what really bothered me was the picture tag. It said they were at a bar in New York. Why is she soiling my favorite city in the world? I thought they got rid of most of the prostitutes in the early 90's. whatever.

Sandra Rose is the epitome of perfection. Speaking of Sandra Rose, I am taking her to the theatre in february to see Wicked. I will do gay things to make my woman happy. Seeing her smiling face makes everything worth it.

I was watching the news this morning while my oil was being changed and CNN showed a clip of the UK's Prince Harry. William and Harry have the same problem I do...Rosacea. It makes me feel better knowing I share the same problems as royalty. Does that make me important? I think so. Damn straight.

Yesterday one of my co-workers told me I was the funniest person she had ever met. That made me feel really good because I believe she has met a lot of people.

Bye for now.

I just poped a zit on my face which could only mean one thing...that it's live journal time. I haven't updated this in like for-ev-er. The reason being that ever since i got in trouble at work (the compnay that can't be named due to its media policy) for blogging about work, i've lost the will to write.

so what's been going on recently tom?
well, if you must know, not too much. My lovely girlfriend still lives in Orlando and I still have a shitty job in Tampa. I've been looking and looking for new employment, but my search has come up as empty as a barren vagina. I don't get it. I've tried making a lot of life changes. Most of them have worked out for the best. I believe I am a good boyfriend. I treat the woman I love with the respect she deserves. I want her to be the happiest female on earth, but it's hard to do that when I only see her between 6 and 12 days out of a month. I know things will eventually work out, but I am very impatient. It's like having the car you've always wanted, but you can never drive it or like having the woman you've always wanted but you can't have sex with her.

I'm not dying, which is good. but I am still a chubby red head. And I think I also have rosacia because my face is always red. What a triple threat.

For my birthday, Sandra Rose took me to the Contemporary Resort at Disney. It was wonderful. The relations are so much better when you get Mickey involved. Haha, Oh Boy! I don't think there's ever been a time that I've been with her when it isn't fun. I think this one's a keeper. Love come's so unexpectedly. hehe, come. We are two people who mesh perfectly. All the other relationships I see have more holes than Jesus's hands.

But enough of me gushing about my girlfriend. In the future I will continue to use this space for its original purpose...Masturbation limericks, Anti-Religion rhetoric, red hair epics, and Jew jokes. Lots of jew jokes.

My lady told me that the Blog I posted today on Myspace wasn't my best. I agreed out loud, but In my mind I said "you bitch" until i read it again. then I cried to myself. I thought it was the best thing I had ever written. Because of that, the run-ons, typos, and misspellings can easily be overlooked.
But that got me thinking, which is something I don't care to do now that I graduated college. Have I been writing piss poor livejournals and blogs? yes i have. I used to be funny, what happened? Do i have writers block? Is my funny being raped? Is my sense of humor getting shit on it's chest? Do I have creative impotence? Can my brain "not get it up"? Is my cerebellum a "2 pump chump"? That may be the case. So I guess some mental viagra is in order.


I have looked and tried and practically given head to find a job in orlando and it still hasn't worked (No matter how much mouthwash you use, you can't get rid of the psychological cum taste btw). So instead of trying to find a job, I'm going to make one up. I will do something that no one else has ever thought to do. I'm bound to get a job that way. Here are some of the first things that pooped into my head:

-political campaign manager for Gary Busey
-shit scooper at special olympics
-The guy that makes sure the stickers in the sticker factory have enough stick by doing random stick tests
-Prune juice salesman
-fluffer for a super christian couple on their honeymoon
-token white guy at any minority gathering
-english speaking cab driver
-USF football fan
-Travel agent that only books trips to Des Moines, Iowa
-Scientology spokesperson in the Texas/Oklahoma area
-Porn movie critic
-Blog about how often I masturbate
-Marriage counselor for Whitney and Bobby
-A sailor who only hangs out at the one bar in america that is farthest away from any body of water
-anti bodybuilder bodybuilder

*tom note..."pooped into my head" wasn't a typo. just another new thing I came up with. God Bless

I think I am going to re-post this on myspace. hopefully people like this better

My girlfriend is on vacation in Asia as I write this. Currently, I am lonely and sexually/mentally frustrated. I am looking for a job in the Orlando area so my ho and I can move in together. So far, the search has garnered no results. I have a map, but there is no "X" marking the spot to my future employment. That was a horrible analogy. I should really delte that. But I won't. You laughing at me is better than you not laughing at all.

I understand why people put dream catchers over their bed. It is supposed to capture bad dreams/nightmares and send them into some kind of chamber a la the ecto containment thing in ghostbusters. A jail for the most hardend dreams. So if it's for dreams. And dreaming is something you do when you sleep. Why do people hang them from their car's rearview mirrors? Isn't that the LAST place you should be sleeping? Maybe they're daydream catchers. I could understand if you hung a cumcatcher (A.K.A a condom) because you might need that in case you fuck some skank in the backseat of your car. Whatever. But to get back to dreamcatchers for your bed. I never have nightmares. But I do get a lot of wet dreams. Is there an apparatus to catch the river of man juice that trickles from my penis? An adult diaper maybe.

Hilary Swank told reporters that her ex husband, chad lowe, had a substance abuse problem. I would be taking drugs too if my wife was always game for taking movie parts that make her look like a huge lesbian or even worse, a dude.

The only thing that scares me about marriage is the fear my future wife will become ugly. Men get more attractive and debonair with age. Women just go from hot to pretty to ugly to hideous. it's a viscious cycle. i wish there was a way to stop it. could there be a button we aren't aware of?
It goes through my mind all the time. I kiss my beautiful wife goodnight. then i wake up the next morning and the sight of her revolts me beyond belief. Because, in my expert opinion, it literally happens over night. I see couples all the time around busch gardens and in the brewmasters club. There are always guys with women that are just way to chubby and homely. I guess they gave up on searching for "mrs right" and settled for "mrs blow job any time i want".

my beautiful lady friend gets back from montana on saturday. I am excited. i miss her. i like her because she treats me with respect and the feelings we have for each other are mutual. this section of the livejournal isnt that funny. i am just happy and thought i would share my joy with others. kind of like a born again christain, but not creepy. and if you think i'm gay for writing this...fuck you. you're just jealous i get some on a regular basis. my livejournal has been negleted. i'm sorry ross. but beer has consumed my life.

I haven't updated this in like for-ev-er. I have gone through a tough break up since the last time I wrote in this. It's no big thing. I've learned to deal with it in my own way. Live and let live. We experienced a lot of firsts together. But it was for the best. We were both going in different directions. I wanted to grow up and experience new things. Unfortunately, someone else did not. All they wanted to do was hang around and wave at life passing them by. So that's the end of it. My hand and I finally called it quits. I could tell things were going downhill when pleasuring myself just became like second nature. I really started taking myself for granted. I'm not just a piece of meat you know? All the romance that once existed is gone. It just became something i did when i was bored. I became his plaything. I knew i had to speak up when he came at me without any lube. he was way too rough. I think he'd been drinking or something, but that was def the last straw. Plus, a vagina is so much better than my own hand.

It seems like i've heard a lot of talk about people hooking up with their ex-significant other recently. I don't see the appeal. If I ever saw lauren again, sticking my dick in her would be the last thing on my mind. Even when I was single, lonely, and sexually frustrated I wouldn't have touched her naughty parts with a ten foot pole unless it was to punch them. Because a knuckle sandwich in the cooter really gets a woman's attention. If you're broken up, why would you want to keep fucking that person. I understand if there are still feelings, but keep the gun in it's holster. It does more harm than good. Especially if one of the parties involved has no intention of ever getting back together.

I missed you live journal

Apparently, after reading my last post, someone came to the conclusion that they didn't just hate me. They FUCKING hated me. Who wrote that? was it someone being funny, or was it someone from my past who really hates me? I hope it's the second option of the two listed. Do lauren and tesch still read this? I don't know anything about them since i deleted them both from my buddy list a long time ago. I hope it's my mortal enemy. My arch nemesis. It would be awesome if this was the same person who egged my car a few months back. Because that would mean my enemy has a strategic plan that he or she is putting into action very methodically. I respect that enemy. Just remember, no matter what you do to me, no matter how much more impressive your super powers are than mine, the good guy always wins in the end. And in my mortal enemy fantasy, I am the good guy.

Is it "gay" that i like to watch gay porn and eat sausages?

Moe Monday's are such a wonderful thing!! $5 burrito and drink. What could be better? Maybe getting a blow job while drinking a milkshake and checking your lottery numbers, finding out you are the winner.

Is it football season yet?

To all of the people who enjoy reading my literary bullshit recorder, I am deeply apologetic. It's been a busy few weeks. Now I understand why Sean Money never updates his LJ. Having a lady friend and a job in the food service industry takes up a great deal of your time. My new job consists of me telling people about the prominence of Anheuser-Busch's entire catalog of alcoholic beverages. I went from whoring off roller coasters to slutting beer. I have neglected my Live Journal writing duties and contacting my good friends. Forgive me.

My main problem in my past relationship was not comming up with things to do. Specifically, date ideas. Well, I had a whole year to change my ways and come up with things to do.
I am now doing the types of activities my ex-girlfriend wanted to do but I never cared to do with her (which is one of the reasons she broke up with me. either I was boring or just plain bored). Maybe I didn't do them because deep down I saw the train wreck that was about to take place like some kind of weird version of the movie "final destination" except it didn't suck balls and have that guy who played the quarterback in Little Giants...and i resented her for always being so selfish. I am much happier now btw. I must really like this girl. I took her to the theatre, we go to theme parks, we went on a picnic in ft desoto park, we've gone to antique shops. You are probably reading this and thinking "tom, are you dating this girl or are you just her token gay friend?" Don't get your knickers up your ass. I am def not gay. I do those things for what I like to call "poon points." the more points i accumulate, the more vagina i get. So far, my results are like the test scores of the 13 year old genius asian kids in colleges across America. Meaning, I am "doing" really well. Haha, get it? "doing?" it has a duel reference. the first one being that I have gotten a lot of points, the second that I have a lot of sexual relations.

I realized a while back that I hate religion. For some people it works, it gives them hope in an otherwise bleak existence. my ire stems from the way religion attempts to recruit people who had no intention of either converting or listening in the first place. Christianity has been doing this for years with missionaries in places like south america. but the thing that really pisses me off is...the Christian Coffe Shop. I thought coffeeshops were untouchable bastions of free thinking. I guess i thought wrong. I hate the puns the most. with names like "sacred grounds" or "holy grounds" or "moral grounds" where you can get a cup of Joseph light on the Mother's Milk. barista is just another name for religious fanatic and the guy with the long beard and guitar playing jesus folk music in the corner isn't cool. he's creepy.

I hope this quenched your thirst.

It was pointed out to me recently that I am a shitty speller. Apparently, i spelled the name of my current job title wrong in my last post. It would be really embarassing if i gave a shit. Writing these takes so much out of me that spell check is the last thing on my mind. That's not true. Don't i have poetic license?

I'm 23 years old and I still haven't had buttsex. Tear. Why am i always the last to do everything? kids half my age are sticking it to anuses all over town. Be patient tom.

All of last week i was engulfed in Anheuser-Busch propaganda. I had to go through extensive training for my new job as a brand ambassaDor. I am now educated about the brewing process and some talking points about many of the A-B products. Bring me to social gatherings, I'll impress everyone attending the party with my knowledge and you will, in turn be popular by association.

Sandra said that she would still stay with me even if i lost my hand in a horrible masturbation accident. that's nice of her.

Religion is such a scam. The bible is the bestselling book in history. Who's making a profit on that? It isn't copyrighted is it? Because the money definately isn't going back to jesus. How can they prove the shit in that book actully happened? They can't. "oh but tom. an image of mary appeard on the window of some building in clearwater" I'm sure there have been stains on windows that resemble sponge bob and mickey mouse, but we didn't make a big deal about them. I'm going to write my own bible because i want to cash in on this religion thing. I am going to say that I was given the gift of flight for an entire week, died, then came back to life, found the cure for cancer, but the one piece of paper i had with the formula was eaten by my dog. When people ask what the formula was i'll tell them it was a flash of briliance that can't be repeated. but it will come again someday so they should prey to me and give me gifts. Someday when I'm bored i will actully write my version of the bible. Instead of letters to apostles there will be emails to friends.
i.e.:

In an email from Tom to his friend Sean

Holy shit brah, i TOTALLY got the ability to fly. I looked down so many chick's shirts. It was awesome. TTYL. You're gay.

GodDamn, my LJ posts have been lacking a little something lately. Kind of like french fries without salt. They're still good, but salt makes them so much better. Talking about how i hate fat chicks and jesus must be my linguistic salt.
I don't know what my problem has been recently. I mentioned it in a previous post, but maybe my being in good spirits doesn't make for good live journal fodder. I keep telling Sandra to insult me or do something really mean, but she refuses. What a bitch. Why does she have to be so nice?

I start training for my new job tomorrow. I will be a "brand ambassator" at The Worlds of Busch Gardens Africa Tampa Bay. The brand ambassator teaches people what Anheuser-Busch products go well with certain foods. I will be teaching something similar to a wine tasting, but instead of wine its beer. So come to the park and take a class with me assholes. Since I drink now, Ross doesn't think I'm a pussy anymore. Because anyone who doesn't drink is a pussy. Ross drinks A LOT, so i guess that makes him a huge dickhead.

Pregnancy should not be an excuse for a woman to get fat. I would rather have a malnourished baby than a fat ass wife. Is there a way to feed the baby and not the woman? How would I ever be able to fuck something like that again? Honey, I think the baby's had enough.

Love,
Tom

P.S. More Funny to Cum

I’ve had an entire year to think about what I am writing today. This is the one-year anniversary of the death of pussy tom. He was killed on April 15, 2005 at the cheesecake factory. He lived to be 4 ½ years old. He was born on October 6, 2001 at the opening night of the first year of Howl O Scream at Busch Gardens Africa Tampa Bay. Pussy Tom is survived by Lauren Pearl who seems to be doing just fine without him. Although Pearl was originally arrested for the murder, the court of bullshit acquitted her and found her innocent on all charges.

Luckily, no one misses Pussy Tom because the Tom of Old was resurrected about six months ago. (Which is way more important than the resurrection we are celebrating tomorrow.) The Tom everyone used to love and loves yet again. The funny, personable, and extremely attractive Tom.

Even though I don’t think about her very much, especially recently, I still hate her and wish the worst for her. I know that sounds juvenile and immature, but I really don’t give a shit. I was told today that me hating her means I still care about her. “that’s horse shit” I said. “if what you say is true, then…I miss her. I’ll say anything that makes it sound like I hate her. I thought we were to old to have opposite day.” I was also told she really likes and/or loves her current boyfriend. Except for the fact that he smokes because she’s allergic to it. Hahaha. “If you loved me you’d stop smoking” apparently he doesn’t love her. That’s like cooking something with peanuts for your girlfriend every night for dinner when you know she’s deathly allergic to them.

“I just want to know what it feels like to be alone.” That was one of the reasons she wanted to break up. She wasn’t alone for more than a month.
I was. For an entire year to be accurate. It was fun for a while, but masturbation can only get you so far. I had so many things to say and no one to tell them too. Luckily, now I do.
Unfortunately, Lauren turned me into a skeptical person. I never really perused a relationship heavily this past year just because I assumed that anything I was in would turn out badly. Take my current relationship as an example. From what I can tell, things are going really well. But in the back of my mind I am just waiting for her to get bored with me and cut me loose. Do I want it to happen? Of course not. But the saying “all good things have to come to an end” keeps looping over and over in my brain. I have been making a concerted effort to better myself as a boyfriend. I am trying to come up with interesting date ideas because the clichéd dinner and a movie gets old fast.

My current girlfriend is great because she treats me with respect and she isn’t needy or selfish. She hates “baby talk” and gay nicknames like “baby” and “babe” and “sweetie”. She prefers names like “slut”, “whore”, and “cunt” but her favorite is “Tom’s Property.” She also hates celebrating monthaversaries, which is amazing. I always hated that. “Oh Tom, what do you want to do for our two month anniversary?” “ummmmm, is it a big deal?”
I am not a lucky person by any means, but I feel like I won something. Or maybe I’m the person Sandra has to date because she lost a bet in her sorority. i.e.“if you loose, you have to date that chubby red headed kid.” I hope that’s not the case.

All of the friends I have made in the past year think Lauren is a real bitch even though they have never met her. I love that.

I haven’t seen her in a year. I would like to continue that streak.

Things have been going well for me recently. I have a girlfriend who appreciates my humor. (Even the really offensive shit that i would feel bad about saying around most people if i wasnt such an asshole.) she thinks it's funny. we have an agreement. when i say something really distasteful she says "stop" while laughing. she doesn't want me to stop saying shit like that. not at all. but saying "stop" makes her feel better for laughing at someone's plight. For example, when i make jokes about the hadicapped.
Dave Leech and I used to make jokes about deaf people, now he's dead. But i think god hated him for being british.

Sandra and I have been dating for about 3+ weeks now. although it's still early in the relationship, I am very in to her. that's why you probably won't be surprised that i brought up the "L" word out of the blue. That's right, Liechtenstein. I used my favorite country in Europe as an analogy to make light of the enormity of my penis.
"Despite its small size and limited natural resources, Liechtenstein has developed into a prosperous, highly industrialized, free-enterprise economy with a vital financial service sector and living standards on a par with its large European neighbors...plus, I am not above cunnilingus."
Meaning, my penis may not have grown up with the same advantages as some of his more well endowed counterparts, but it does alright for iteslf...exept for the whole premature ejaculation thing. but i digress

I am going to make an effort not to be such a whipped pussy. I lost touch with a lot of friends and the friends i did have thought I was boring. I am finally back to the tom I used to be. Hopefully, my lady friend is not the type of woman who is very controlling. Lauren Pearl has been an afterthought for a long time now, but I'm glad I can finally mentally murder her. meaning, she is really dead to me. It still bothers me that she seemed to take the breakup pretty easily. it was way too easy for her to do. I wouldn't be surprised if she cheated on me. I think she did. I wonder if she would admit it now. I would really want to know. whatever. my next post will be on april 15th when we can celebrate the year anniversary of the death of boring tom.

I am kind of chubby. So to make me feel better about myself, I like going to big and tall stores. I like to try on their pants and loudly exclaim "oh wow, all these pants I tried on are way too big. I guess I'm just too skinny. I need to go somewhere i can get non fat people pants."

In case you were never emailed the memo, this is for your benefit. I hate fat chicks. Before I get married to my future wife, I will have to do some painstaking research into the female's in her family. For example, what was the skinny to fat ratio of women on both sides of the family for the past 100 years. what does her mother look like now? I will ask for all the pictures of her grandmother and mother as a child. Have the years been good to them? or has the curse of the dessert taken its toll.
You women and homosexual males might be saying to yourself "tom, you're kind of chubby yourself. isn't this an atrocious double standard?" That may be the case, but dudes are allowed to get fat. It's just the way it is. Is it wrong? yes. Do i care? no. Before I finalize the vows, I will make my future wife sign a contract saying that, if she gets fat, the marrige is over and she gets nothing. Not only will she get nothing, she will have to pay me something slimilar to alimony. I will call it chubimony. Some specifics of the contract:

-for every pound you gain, you will have to give me one extra blow job a week (now you might be saying "tom, what if you gain some weight? shouldnt you return the favor?" no. i cut the fat off before i eat if you catch my drift. I don't like to eat anything with a side of cottage cheese if you get where i'm comming from. you don't? i was trying to say that i would not put my face in a vagina that was all fat and gross)

-Spare tires belong in my trunk, not around your torso. "blah blah blah pregnant blah blah blah" I don't care. fat is fat. you're teaching that kid a bad lesson at a young age. a feti is smarter than you think.

-I like my ass in the back, not in the front. As soon as I see a front butt forming, you're done. I never want to see you again.

-my future wife and i will never step foot in a buffet. I don't want that temptation in her life.

-i am not above conditioning my future wife to hate junk food and ice cream. I'll punch her in the face everytime she takes a bite of snickers.


And I wonder why I was single for so long....

I had an idea for something i wanted to write about, then i forgot. It will come back to me eventually, but i wanted to put it in here today.
Aparently, the last post was kind of offensive. I'm glad you liked it.
Recently, I have been in a pretty good mood. It's nice to see that things can finally work in tom's favor. You ever notice how, for the longest time, you think you have a good thing going, then something comes along that has the potential to be better? Kind of like the way it is with technology or sexually transmitted diseases. That's how I always felt about the egg mcmuffin. "How could a breakfast sandwich get any more grand than this." i always said. Then they went and introduced that sexy mcgriddles. oh yeah. "this is 1 million times better," i screamed to myself in girlish delight after consuming it for the first time. Later on, even my shit smelled good. Analogies are the best.

When I have kids (i'm saying WHEN because, no matter what, i'm getting some of those little bastards) I really hope they're not ugly. I don't want to have to lie to them when they're in middle school about how beautiful they are and how they will grow up into a lovely swan because it usually doesn't happen. Ugly people stay ugly. To save them a lifetime of psychological abuse, i am just going to lock them in the basement. That's why when looking for a house, the main selling point in my eyes will be a basement. I can't lock a kid in an attic. that's just cruel and WRONG. Preferablly a basement with a constant, steady drip and a busted mattress on the cold, empty floor. A creeky wooden staircase and an abundance of chain rope are a plus, but not necessary. My attractive kids will be allowed to converse with polite socitey, but my ugly kids will live in the basement. They will only be allowed out of the basement if they become attractive. and before you say anything. I don't believe in plastic surgery. It's against my moral upbringing. Hide what we don't want to see is what i say. If i see some homosexual tendencies in my future, attractive son it's straight to the strip club for him. no matter what age. "this boy needs some pussy to set him straight and keep him straight" is what i'll yell. because we all know, homosexuality is not something you're born with. its taught. alright, this has gotten stupid. I'm done rambling. hopefully some of it was up to everyone's standards.

I went to an art gallery last night to see some live dioramas. I appreciate art, but I am definatly not smart enough to get it. I never have any idea what the artist is trying to say. i.e. what the subtle social commentary is. Give me a painting of a campbell's soup can any day. I know what that means. It means andy wharhol likes soup. nothing more, nothing less. Maybe i'm not the idoit. Maybe most of these artists are just self-indulgent, pompous assholes who are trying way to hard. I did see a dude who was head to toe in girl clothes. Scarf, Shirt, Jacket, capris, unisex sandals, and gaybuttsex. I would bet actual american currency that he was a homosexual.

Currently, I am dating someone who is half jewish and half catholic. I am at a crossroads. Should i hate her for killing jesus or like her for praising him? It is quite the moral conondrum. This would really bother me if i gave a shit about jesus. at least she can half do my taxes and half balance my checkbook. get it? because she's only half jewish? so she can only do half of all the stereotypical jew things? haha, she loves jew jokes.

christopher reeve's wife died last week. that's some shit luck for the reeve's family. Is it bad that i always got kind of a chuckle over the fact that SUPERMAN was paralized? the irony was so delicious. Like chicken fajitas topped with pizza covered in chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. But how gay was the way he became paralized? An equestrian accident. that's more gay than saying christopher reeve died in a horrible buttsex accident.